tagged as ideologically sensitive for the drug usage
being pretentious and writing all my titles in french hgnngngng it's a haphazard french-polishing exercise for me and also english is hecka lame alright
this was originally just a visual translation of my disgusting romantic fantasies. but when art happens it starts getting meaning from what's happening around it, right.
it's august so of course i go into deep spirals regarding me and my purpose and my relationship to other people. i start getting defensive quickly and taking things personally even though they were honest mistakes. it just gets that way. I just get that way.
The Topic of Last Few Nights' Musing was: examining my worth to other people by reminiscing about what they've done for me. Literally, quantifying people's love for me by the actions they've taken for my benefit, even if it wasn't always for their own.
and i know blah blah blah no one owes anyone anything. but my art has always been the highest form of appreciation for someone. my time and years of skill and practice condensed into a gift for them...so whenever i draw for someone, i go into an impatient amount of foot-tapping waiting for them to one-up me, because, honestly, i just want to be one-up'd
i don't want to talk about this anymore.
there was a shooting in my ex-boyfriend's neighborhood. i haven't spoken to him in a year, but i was still scared for him. i thought about calling him. i get trapped in a loop caring about someone who doesn't care about me, then shaming myself for caring about them, then fighting to find a middle ground of basic human decency.
i have to stop giving myself out to people who just don't care, or who cannot actively express that care in action. because that's what i need. i need action. i don't need another asshole who'll give me that "i'll be there for you" garbage when they don't even understand the weight of that phrase.
i need to be there for me, not in little pieces i hand out to strangers like candy.
i'm just frustrated. someone blow smoke into my mouth.